Last Updated on June 4, 2020 by Saurabh Sethi, MD, MPH
From the interviewee’s doctor accusing him of cheating on his wife to the years of being unable to talk to her about outbreaks, this interviewee’s story speaks to the turmoil that can exist internally and within an intimate relationship after an STD diagnosis – in this case, genital herpes.
1. How old are you?
56
2. What do you do for a living?
Computer Technician
3. What STI/STD do you have/have you had?
Genital herpes
4. How long have you had or known you have an STI/STD?
16 years
5. Do you know how you contracted this STI/STD?
Yes, from my wife.
She wasn’t fully aware she had herpes. She rarely has outbreaks and never told me when she did. I had no clue she had it. She had an idea but wasn’t able to put all the pieces together and figure it out.
6. How has your life changed since you contracted an STI/STD?
I’m on antiviral medication, and I have to be careful what I eat. I have a weakened immune system, so even with these precautions, I still risk getting outbreaks. My doctor says I need to stay on the antiviral medicine, or I risk molecular damage.
7. Do the people who know you have an STI/STD treat you differently than they treated you before they knew?
No. I haven’t told anyone except my wife, my family doctor, and my mental health councilors.
The doctor that diagnosed me accused me of cheating on my wife.
8. Are you currently under treatment for your STI/STD? If so, please share whether you have explored prescription medication, over-the-counter medication, or holistic and natural approaches.
I’ve explored holistic approaches, but because of a weakened immune system, natural remedies have done nothing for me. Changing my diet by avoiding foods high in arginine and increasing foods high in lysine has helped some.
I take 400 mg of Acyclovir twice a day.
9. Has having an STI/STD hindered past relationships?
This has only affected my current relationship.
10. Do you have a significant other? If so, how has this STI/STD affected your partner?
She feels bad about giving me the virus. When I have an outbreak or any itching or burning, we can’t have sex, because it’s too painful for me. This affects her as well.
11. Have you been sexually active with someone since contracting an STI/STD whom you did not tell you had an STI/STD?
No. If I ever was to be sexually active with another person, I hope I would have the courage to be open and honest about my condition.
12. How have you changed as a result of contracting an STI/STD?
Everyday there are reminders that I have herpes. I think about it when making food choices, knowing some foods could give me an outbreak or, at the very least, some itching and burning. I’ve found a lot of conflicting information, both online and in print. Some sources will say a certain food is good at fighting the virus. Other sources will say to avoid the same food. Any itching or burning is a reminder.
I get angry and frustrated daily.
13. Why are you choosing to participate in this interview and/or is there anything else you would like to share with us?
I felt a need to tell my story.
Getting herpes from my wife nearly ended our relationship. I felt angry and suicidal for several years after that. My wife felt suicidal too.
The one thing that kept me going was my son, who was born a few weeks after I was diagnosed. He brought so much joy to my life during all of this. There were many times I wanted my life to end. Sometimes when driving I thought maybe a car crash would just end it for me. Thinking about my son with me suddenly gone from his life and how that would affect him kept me alive.
Much of what I’ve read about herpes says that the outbreaks will lessen over time. Just the opposite has happened with me. The first outbreaks were ongoing. While one outbreak was healing another would start.
I went on antiviral medicine for a year. This helped eliminate the outbreaks along with the itching and burning. Within a week of going off the medicine the outbreaks started up again as before. I went back on the medicine, taking it twice a day. The outbreaks, itching, and burning stopped. Then I forgot to take my second dose one day. An outbreak occurred. After the outbreak cleared up I still got itching and burning occasionally. No outbreaks though.
After the prescription for the medicine ended I tried natural remedies for a while. They did little good. I tried dietary changes. That helped some but not enough. I still had ongoing outbreaks. After suffering for several years (I don’t remember how many), I went back on antiviral medicine and have been on it ever since.
It got hard for my wife to deal with. Unknowingly, talking about herpes and any itching or outbreaks was off limits. This went on for eight years. Finding forgiveness has been a big challenge for me. After eight years, my wife wanted to know when I would forgive her. She seemed to want a date or deadline, which I honestly couldn’t give her.
At her suggestion, we got some counseling. After several sessions, our counselor figured out that I wasn’t able to talk to my wife and that my forgiveness process had literally stagnated for eight years. The councilor said I need to be able to talk. After I was able to talk to my wife about herpes again, things improved between us. Finding forgiveness is something I’m still trying to find.
Recently I found two books that have helped me a lot. The first book is ‘Forgiveness is a Choice’ by Robert D. Enright, PhD. It gives a step-by-step approach to finding forgiveness, no matter what the issue is. After getting part way through the book, I did some thinking after reading this statement: ‘Sometimes people have to go through a grieving process to deal with a permanent loss. Those who try to forgive before they have accepted and grieved permanent losses may find that they have to forgive again.’ I realized I never went through any grieving. I stopped reading that book and started reading ‘The Grief Recovery Handbook’ by John W. James. Reading this book also brought up some other unresolved issues. I read the book, did all the exercises, even cried for the first time over getting herpes.
Now I’m back reading Forgiveness is a Choice. I highly recommend both books. From reading these two books and especially going through the forgiveness process (I’m not finished yet), I felt a need to tell my story. It’s been bottled up inside me for way too long.
Can you relate to this interviewee? Did it help you to read someone else’s story? Have you experienced something similar or do you have some feedback to share with this individual? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!
