Last Updated on June 4, 2020 by Shuvani Sanyal, MD
This short story was written by a 23 year old female law student who is living with HSV1.
Contracting HSV1
In the summer of 2011, I was dating a very nice, clean-cut boy on leave from the military who performed oral sex on me, resulting in a few herpes bumps a week later. I don’t remember seeing anything on his face that day.
After finding out from the doctor at the hospital who flipped me over, lacerated the bumps and bottled the liquids for analysis, I immediately texted said boy and told him to get checked out, because I had some type of herpes. He promptly told me this was the worst news he had ever heard, and we broke up two short weeks later.
Since then, I have done lots of internet research, consulted with nurses and doctors, and done a little soul-searching to see how I should deal with the STD. Most opinions agreed, without an outbreak, I was probably not contagious and should be just fine. They also told me, since HSV1 is incredibly common, it’s nothing to stress about. I have not had an outbreak since the original one and have a feeling it probably won’t come back.
Living with Herpes
Living with HSV1 is perfectly fine in my mind, but not in the minds of others. The very first week of school, when asked point blank if I had ever had an STD, I blurted out, ‘Yes, I had a cold sore, but I’m not contagious.’ As a result of that little conversation, it was quickly disseminated to the student population that I had herpes, and I was best a stone left unturned.
Not everything has been bad, however. I managed to have a physical and emotional relationship with one person for about a year. He had heard of HSV1 from a friend’s girlfriend, so he was very cool with it when I told him upfront (although he did ask how many sexual partners I had previously, as if that was some sort of indication why I had an STD).
Moving Forward
Today, there are really only two things that bother me about having an STD, and neither of them has to do with symptoms, discomfort, or health.
The first is, an STD puts your genitalia on public watch, and your character into question. People feel the need to ‘warn’ others about you. It is unfair that the label of ‘herpes’ seeps in and out of my life, so that, just when I feel comfortable, the word snickered out becomes a put-down to make me feel unworthy and unwanted. This type of thing is disgusting, and often sexist, since it is usually males that are so willing to cast aside women who are biologically more likely to contract STDs in the first place.
The second is how to deal with other people who also have STDs. A good friend of mine recently contracted herpes, and, seeing what I had gone through, thought it best to pretend it has never happened and continues to have sex without informing. It’s difficult to convince my friend to take up honesty when there is every short-term benefit to forgetting and lying.
In the long-term, I believe I’ll look back on this period and consider herpes something of my youth, although, it will never go away and will never stop having to enter into future conversations with new partners. STDs are a part and parcel to the risk of sex, much like pregnancy and falling in love.
I don’t intend to regret anything, and I’m done apologizing too.
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This short story was written by a 23 year old female law student who is living with HSV1.
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Are you living with HSV1 or HSV2 and feel similarly? Are you also frustrated by the stigma and characterization thrust upon people with STDs? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!
lauren
I was diagnosed with HSV 1 this afternoon. I broke down in the doctors office and all the way home. Deciding that I was unsure if I wanted to talk to my mom about it, I had to relax. I filled my rx for valtrex and bought immune boosting vitamins along with epsom salt for baths. I’m extremely concerned with my future, being 22 I’m concerned about getting and keeping a boyfriend when it comes time to tell them. My friend is trying to comfort me but she couldn’t possibly feel all the anxiety I feel right now. advice?
thanks
Jenelle Marie
Hi Lauren –
I cried all the way home upon diagnosis as well; it was such a horrible experience. Have you had a chance to read my diagnosis story yet?
You’ll definitely be able to date and have a wonderfully healthy sex life – it will change how you approach relationships a little bit, but you’ll be able to find someone who sees you as something other than just a person with herpes. My significant other has begun writing for the website as well – he shares his perspective about first finding out, what sex is like with me, and just recently, I interviewed him for one of our happy hump day podcasts.
My advice is to learn as much as you can about HSV1 and to take some time for yourself initially, until you think you’re ready to start pursuing relationships again. It sounds like you’re already well on your way to all of that since you found us here and you’re taking some things to aid your immune system – all of that’s great and will not only help alleviate symptoms, severity, and duration, it will reduce your risk of transmitting it to someone else as well. You could also consider joining a support group if you’re really feeling alone, but they’re not for everyone, so it just depends on your particular interests.
Take a look around this post as it leads you to a lot of the ‘what now’ posts on The STI Project and then our resources and blogs and forums sections contain a lot of additional resources too (those are linked inside the post as well).
Feel free to comment as you have questions, but know, you’re not alone, and it will definitely get better; you’ll for sure be able to date, despite it seeming like this will always get in the way right now.
Thanks for your comment, Lauren; don’t be afraid to reach out again!
K
Hey girl!
I totally get the anxiety you feel, but you’re more than just a simple diagnosis (which is very very very common among adults, by the way). Honestly, life will go on much the same as it was, and as has been said before “all adventurous women do”
Keep your head up!
Jenelle Marie
Hi guys –
K’s so right – it will go on; don’t let this bring you down (I did for far longer than I care to admit) and I just wish someone who had also been where I was had told me the same thing at the time.
An STD does not have to define you or your future relationships unless you allow it to – that you don’t allow it to be a reflection of your character is up to you now 🙂 You got this, chickadee.
Thanks for responding, K; good call!
David
I’m a 40 year old male and though I was tested and negative 2 years ago, I just got re-tested and my HSV1 Igg cam back positive with a 39.8 number. Ridiculously high compared to other numbers I’ve read. Though I don’t believe I’ve ever had an outbreak, it’s a bit disheartening for sure, but it could be worse, a lot worse. At least I didn’t have HIV. That’s the worst isn’t it? Or is it? My friend recently, at 37, lost a 3 year battle to cancer and he left behind a wife and young child.
A family member of mine was killed in a car accident before she got to graduate. She probably didn’t have Herpes, but something even worse happened to her.
I say all this to remind me and you that life could really be a whole lot worse. We have our eyes, and arms, and legs, and if we don’t have those we can enjoy tastes of wonderful things and hear beautiful music and comedy.
I once dated a woman in my 20s and before we were about to have sex she broke down and told me she had herpes. She cried and cried, and cried, and told me that I wouldn’t want her, and well, she made such a big deal of it that I got scared and ended the relationship. Looking back, I wonder if I had made a mistake because she was beautiful, but she made a mistake as well by making Herpes to big of a deal. Perhaps if she had been cool and non-chalant about it. If she had been informative to me about the subject, I may very well have thought too, it was not a big deal.
She met someone and got married a year later. My loss.
Let’s all try not to take this little herpe thing too seriously. We are still alive aren’t we? That’s better than a lot of people on any given day,
Jenelle Marie
Hi David –
Thanks for your comment.
It’s actually quite common for someone to test positive and to have never had or noticed an outbreak. Some say the majority of folks with HSV1 or HSV2 are asymptomatic, and that’s part of why so many have it – most don’t get tested and never know they are transmitting an infection.
Is HIV the worst? I wouldn’t say that. There’s really no infection that’s worse than another – all have their veritable down sides. The idea that someone’s diagnosis is worse than another’s is part of the stigma and the numerous misconceptions that abound. HIV, in particular, if diagnosed, and especially if diagnosed early, is actually quite treatable, and can be reduced to such a low viral load that it becomes virtually undetectable and non-transmittable.
Anyhow, you make an excellent point. I too believe there is always a bright side and that a lot of the problems surrounding sexually transmitted infections and diseases lie in perception alone. Sure, no one wants an infection – I don’t want a cold or the flu – but, as humans, our bodies are not infallible. They are resilient, yes, but certainly not infallible and maladies are part of the human experience.
This is my humble opinion, and someone else might have an entirely different take on it, which is understandable and part of what makes the storytelling component beautiful.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Rocky
Ive had HSV1 since i was a little kid, my grandfather had it, my mother had it, and i have it. Ive had 4 outbreaks in my entire life, one on my lip and two on my forehead. (I’m guessing i got it from being kissed as a baby or young kid)
So being a bit of a science freak i often go on long micro biology research binges, the last weeks binge has been on virus’ and more specifically HSV. I was surprised to read that HSV1 can also show up on one’s genitals, which got me thinking, after 28 years of life, what are the chances i have transferred the virus to my genitals? (entirely possible from all the scientific literature Ive read) Then i was further concerned reading most genital HSV1 symptoms are very mild, unnoticeable in many cases, also the virus can also be transferred via saliva or even a towel, my heart skipped a beat thinking about my post shower drying procedure, face first, genitals second, (military standard). So over the last couple of weeks Ive been having a vicious moral dilemma, all the while constantly examining my self every chance i get, feeling every little itch, tingle to the point of hypersensitivity, checking for any mild symptoms. Ive had flash backs to jock-itch, chafing, and fungal rashes, self diagnoses and self treated, and now i wonder, were they what i thought they were? Ive been screened for HSV2 and I was negative, and of course having HSV1 since a child its pointless to get tested because i know i have it.
The reason I’m so confused and morally torn is because of the ridiculous double standard between oral herpes and genital herpes. Just about all my friends have had oral herpes, cold sores we all call them, as adults or as kids. None, including my self, have ever told any partners or dates we have had them, i never comes to mind, its not part of dating culture at all here (Australia) and no date has ever told me, or any of my friends the same. Id never even thought that it was an issue because cold sores are just so common, a temporary benign skin irritation, everyone has them is the general understanding. They run TV adds about them, they are like hemorrhoids, warts, yeast infections, acne, – no big deal. As soon as the EXACT same virus shows up in the genital region everything changes socially and culturally, but why is this? It makes no logical sense at all. I can only put it down to idiotic stigma, and stigma around sex more then the virus itself. In 2014 sex is still seen as shameful, dirty, something to be hidden and not discussed, something to blush about, and therefore words like “genital” “STD” and “infected” when used in a sexual context take on new hefty fear inducing weight.
I can completely understand the view point that one should inform a new partner or date about having HSV, i get it, but a part of me cant dismiss the ridiculous double standard, knowing how most would react to being told this, even I would have been guilty of it before i was educated on the matter. Part of me feels that by broaching HSV like one would HIV, we are giving HSV the weight, fear, and threat that it doesn’t deserve. The similarities between HSV forums and HIV forums are disturbing in my opinion. 1/4 people don’t have HIV, 80-90% of people wont contract HIV by the time they are 50, and yet time and time again the same emotions and moral dilemmas are aired in regard to both. Are we not feeding the stigma, and giving into it by this sort of behavior? In my own personal case, unless i get some rock solid signs down there I’m left in a herpes no mans land, and what does it say about me that i have never informed any of my past partners, all be it i wasn’t unaware of the information but still, my moral compass is all over the shop.
Should i be the one to expose my self, make my self vulnerable emotionally and socially when my next relationship comes along, all for the sake of a ridiculous and stupid double standard and the majority’s ignorance to symbiotic virus’ that have lived with us and in us for millenia? I have no idea what to do, I would feel terrible to see a new partner in pain or discomfort from something that originated from me, but how is it different to oral herpes or a cold? And i wouldn’t feel as bad if i gave her a cold or flu (still bad, but u get my point.) Again sex and the stigma around it seems to creep into every scenario, giving it unwarranted weight.
This quote from a doctor plays out in my mind when i have these moral thoughts “By far the worse thing about herpes is the stigma, you can go your whole life and never get an outbreak, if i were you, i would use a condom and keep my mouth shut.”
What are people’s thoughts?
Jenelle Marie
Hi Rocky –
First, it’s important to point out that you can not contract herpes from a toilet seat, towels, or saliva. Herpes is transmitted via skin-to-skin contact, and it also requires inoculation (meaning, it must have a way to enter the body via cuts, sores, or the mucous membranes). We talk about why and how herpes is transmitted in detail, but suffice to say, you probably are being a little bit overly paranoid. Most folks are under-paranoid, though, so I can’t fault you for being as conscientious as possible. 🙂
That said, self-inoculation (transmitting your infection to another location on your body) is possible, but it’s uncommon.
You make an excellent point, though, that HSV1 and HSV2 are given entirely different standards, but they shouldn’t be. The two HSV strains are actually more alike than they are different. It’s the stigma surrounding genital herpes that is, of course, vastly different than that of oral herpes.
However, I have to say, I do think you should communicate that you have oral HSV1, oral herpes, cold sores – whatever you want to call it – to new partners. The reason I say this is because genital HSV1 is becoming more and more common – in some countries, it’s actually more prevalent than genital HSV2 because of the frequency of oral sex. So, while it does seem like everyone has HSV1 and no one communicates that to partners in advance, there is a real risk of transmitting HSV1 to a new partner both orally and genitally, and for those that don’t have it, they’d like to keep it that way if they can help it. Like you said, you’d feel badly if you gave your partner a cold, and most folks would reduce their risk of any kind of infection if they knew in advance they were being exposed.
The conversation you have doesn’t have to be as foreboding as you might initially think, but disclosing that you are aware that you have it, and that it poses a risk orally as well as genitally when performing oral sex allows a partner the opportunity to make their own choices about how they’d like to reduce that risk (of course, you’ll say it in a bit less of an “I run an STD website” way)… You might find out that they also have oral herpes (very likely), and that would reduce their risk of contracting it genitally from you via oral sex, which is always good to know. And how cool would that be for your new partner to know that you’re honest, you respect their health, and you’re savvy about your own sexual health?!
See, the idea is sounding better as I go along. 😉
I know a lot of people don’t have those conversations right now, but I think they should, and the conversation itself doesn’t have to be overly complicated… Just a, “Hey, I wanted to let you know about this so that we could be as careful as possible” kind of thing.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments!